Oh hi, it’s me!
Time is such a funny thing. We wish time away, beg for time to slow down, and lose track of time. Sometimes we go through the motions, riding the waves of life’s highs and lows, and yet there is an underlying disconnect between time and our reality. It’s hard to see that disconnect when we’re in the thick of life, but what time does allow us, is the chance to look back and think.
To think about what has happened, the blessings received along the way, things we should have done differently, and how we’d like life to be moving forward. Only now can I look back and see the aspects of my life that were frozen on that dreadful day back in 2009 (TRIGGER WARNING!). I lost myself that day. 9 years of therapy and healing later, and only now do I see just how much of myself was lost that day.
Prior to that day, I was strong in my faith, had beautiful trusting friendships, maintained a significant weight loss, was free from binge eating, and found so much joy in the world around me. That single day in 2009 changed absolutely everything. The walls I built ended friendships, the comfort I found was now in food, and the world that was once so colorful was now grey.
The crazy thing about time is that these past 9 years have been hell for me deep down inside. Deep down, I’m hurting. Deep down, I’m lonely. Deep down, I have to work hard to trust others. Deep down, I’m scared. Deep down, I want to turn to food for comfort. Deep down, I dream of the life I had before that April night. The crazy thing about time is that these past 9 years have also been filled with more blessings that I can count. I met and married my husband, had 2 unbelievably amazing children, bought a house in the most perfect area for my own wellness, worked tirelessly to grow as a professional in higher education, and created so many unbelievable memories. These past 9 years have been a true roller coaster of joy, pain, healing, milestones, and memories.
My identity has changed so much these past 9 years as I became a wife, mother, director, small business and home owner. So much life has happened and yet 9 years ago I stopped being myself. I stopped being that goofy, loving, trusting, and overjoyed person. Sure, she comes out of her shell on occasion, but fear and pain have kept me guarded.
What I’ve come to realize is that although life and time may change your role, purpose, routine, and focus, you have to heal your heart to move on. You have to let go of who you were and truly write a new story. Adding onto life and changing roles doesn’t change what’s going on deep down inside. I was so hopeful getting married, having kids, and working my tail off would rewrite my story. They have in some ways, but healing the heart, redefining the mind, and rebuilding what’s inside is where true change and reformation occur.
4 years ago, when I became a mom, I didn’t know what I wanted to share here on Balancing Today. For years I had written about weight loss, weight gain, fitness, and my day to day, but motherhood was a whole new ball of wax. I’ve toggled with what to share here on Balancing Today and what to write about because I struggled with weight loss, mainly because I was still binge eating, and my routine was all over the place as a working mom. It may have taken me 4 years, but I’m back and ready to talk. I’m ready to share my story, to write because I love writing, and to help women know they are not alone!
Time is such a funny thing, but boy am I thankful for time! Time has given me the family I prayed for, a chance to heal, and a voice to speak for those who can not. It’s taken me a while, and yet, here we are! A new day, a fresh start, and a beginning that is mine to create.