Back in July, not long after having Kinnick, our pastor stopped by to spend some time with Kinnick and me. During her stay we talked about our family’s first 2 weeks with Kinnick, Magnolia’s transition to big sister, and I was able to share a little bit more about my own life. I talked about the rape, my excommunication from the church I grew up in, and the years that have since followed. I can’t say it’s easy talking about my past, but I recognize that so much of where I am now is because of where I was then.
As we continued to talk, she talked to me about life’s seasons. Seasons to mourning, seasons of joy, seasons of repair, seasons of renewal, and seasons of hope. I have been through many seasons these past 8 years, but her words gave me hope and made me think about the season I am currently in and the seasons to come.
Over the past year or so, I have been in a season of renewal. I faced the reality of my past and have worked towards moving further away from that season of pain. Facing my reality was a lot to process, but I am so grateful to no longer live in the shadows as a rape victim. To acknowledge the things that happened, how they have impacted my life, and how they have shaped who I am today.
I hate what that man took from me 8 years ago, my joy, spontaneity, and trust in other people. He took away my spirit, and in all honesty, I’ve struggled to redefine myself since that horrid day. I’ve wanted so badly to be who I was before the rape, but I am forever changed by that night. It has taken me a long time to accept that I can’t go back to before, but I can move on and write a new chapter.
October marks a year since I faced the reality of what happened to me in 2009 and reported the crime. The season of renewal that last October marked was a long desired season and I am very grateful to move past the season I had lived in, whether I admitted it or not, for the previous 7.5 years. The highs and lows that I’ve shared over the past 6.5 years here on this blog, specifically in regard to my health and desire to break away from my unhealthy relationship with food, almost all have a tie to the season of pain I have long tried to move away from.
Next month I turn 33, and as I look at all this past year has brought me, I can see the new season I have moved into. I have entered a season of conversion. A season of alteration, modification, remodeling, and resolution. A season of change.
This past year was all about facing my past, opening my heart and allowing people back in, supporting Magnolia’s transitions to a new daycare and preschool, and becoming a mom to a sweet little boy. Kinnick’s arrival marked a new chapter. An uncharted chapter. These past few months have been hectic, unorganized, lonely at times, challenging, and at the same time, absolutely joyous. I don’t have life as a mom of 2 figured out just yet, and fully understand that it’ll take some time to find a new groove. It’s just going to take time to adjust to being a working mom, having a toddler in preschool, taking care of a newborn, keeping our house afloat (hello endless laundry), giving my marriage the love and attention it deserves each day, and defining my own wellness at age 33.
I see this season of conversion as a time to do things differently. A time to wipe the slate clean and to let go of what has worked and hasn’t worked in the past. I have entered an entirely new season of life and the ability to do things differently is empowering. I know that I don’t want to feel like I do now for a long time. I want to feel great in the body I am in, to feel confident in the balance I am creating for my family, to find disconnect from technology in order to focus on the simple things, and to ultimately redefine balance as a mother of two.
Change is always difficult at the start, but I always love the feeling of looking back and seeing how different things are from where you began. I wasn’t always proud when I looked back at my years since 2009, but I can now look back and see the strength I had and how I’ve adapted to the trauma. I am so grateful for the life I have now and I am eager to continue to move forward in this season of conversion.
