After years and years and years and YEARS of dieting, I began to detox myself from the restrictive lifestyle a few weeks ago. Putting an end to dieting is absolutely terrifying and almost every day I doubt in some form or fashion what I’m trying to do.
When I get scared, it is so easy to want to turn back to my old dieting ways. I want to turn back to restricting and limiting, all in the hopes of gaining control and finding the one plan that will allow me to reach my goals.
Now the truth is, I don’t know what those goals are anymore. My nutritionist asked me to make a list of “my real goals”, but I have struggled for 3 weeks now to create that list. With letting go of restrictive dieting, coming to terms with 180 not being my goal, and being encouraged to stop weighing myself, I just don’t know exactly what my goals are these days. For now I’m focusing on…
- Not restricting my food intake the way I have in the past
- Learning to eat more for my body
- Eating only when I’m hungry (learning to control my emotional eating, closet eating, and binge eating)
- Stopping when I’m satisfied
- Enjoying my workouts
- Taking care of my whole self (getting more sleep, pampering myself, etc.)
One thing that has been really satisfying is being able to eat foods that I’ve said no too for years and years. I’m learning how to incorporate these foods from time to time and eating a balanced diet around them.
For example last week I bought some pimento cheese. For whatever reason I had it in my head that I just wasn’t allowed to buy, let alone eat, pimento cheese… but you know what, I can! I can enjoy a serving, pair it with things like a whole wheat english muffin and tomatoes, and feel great about what I just ate.
I am also learning to enjoy my favorite foods again and to not feel guilty about them. It’s hard to not feel guilty, but I am tired of scrutinizing over every last thing I eat! Instead I am working to eat enough food to fuel my body and strive to eat a balanced diet of protein, fat, and carbohydrates. One day this past week I enjoyed a burger with the bun and the next I enjoyed one without a bun… I can do either!
I’ve also enjoyed the ability to go out and enjoy the foods we order. Though I still get scared that the foods I’m eating will cause weight gain, I am really trying to trust the balance I am creating and how healthy it is to enjoy foods instead of living in the restrictive lifestyle I’ve always known. My hope is that by doing so I will not feel the need to binge on those “no no foods” because I can honestly have whatever I want, whenever I want… I’m just choosing not to.
This week I weighed in at 226.8 which is exciting. I am proud of myself for the changes I’m making and for all that I’m learning.
Like I said, I am still overcome by fear almost daily, but I know that I want to reach a place where I am no longer dieting and restricting myself. I want to learn to live a happy and healthy life instead of being controlled by weight loss.