I don’t know if anyone can relate, but I always feel on top of the world when I start a new program, have an epiphany, or establish a new goal. I am deliberate about sticking to my plan and because of that, I feel true freedom from the things that have held me back in the past. A few days later, reality starts to set in and the things that have held me back in the past start to resurface.
Last Friday, after meeting with my nutritionist Rebecca, I had a drive I hadn’t felt in quite some time. I respected the advice Rebecca had given me, to focus on wellness goals beyond the number on the scale and to start to deal with the issues that have kept me from living freely. I was scared of the work I would need to do to achieve that freedom but I was determined.
Friday and Saturday were fantastic but Sunday afternoon some oh too familiar insecurities started to settle in. Although I felt great about the foods I had eaten so far that day (pancakes and coffee at Eastern Market and a half a turkey sandwich at home), the realization of the week that lied ahead of me started to make me anxious. Questions started to flood my brain…
What am I going to eat all week? Should I create a weekly plan? Am I going to get enough sleep? Will I actually get up for my early morning workouts? Will afternoon snacks ruin my day? Will I stop eating when I’m satisfied? Am I losing weight? Am I gaining weight? Should I return to a strict diet plan? Will I be able to reach a happy and healthy weight?
And then it hit me, ASHLEY! NOTHING HAS CHANGED! YOU’RE JUST SCARED!
It’s a whole lot easier for me to return to my old ways because you know what, they are routines I’ve been a part of my entire life. I’m used to living a life where my weight is up and down and I spend hour after hour figuring out how to lose weight. I create plans, break plans, succeed at plans, and fail at plans. It’s all a vicious cycle that I’m exhausted of, but at the same time am comfortable with.
What’s scarier is to break the cycle. To deal with my REAL issues and to change. The reality is y’all, I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight and I have since I was 13 years old. I’ve known for ages what I should and should not eat. I’ve read book after book about how best to fuel my body and have spent countless hours on my fitness. Those two things are not my issue, although I like to act that I don’t know what to eat in order to lose weight.
My real issues are…
- Overeating – Eating past satisfaction
- Closet eating – Eating behind closed doors or in private because I’m embarrassed or fear being judged
- Emotional eating – Eating instead of dealing with my emotions, whether anger, boredom, fear, loneliness, you name it
- Binge eating – Consuming an excessive amount of calories in a short time period
My feelings on Sunday had nothing to do with my goals, my plan, my diet, or my fitness, but instead had everything to do with the obstacles and personal issues that have stopped me in the past.
On Sunday I was overwhelmed with emotions and for the first time chose not to turn to food to cope with those emotions. It was a scary thing for me to do but I know that if I’m really going to change my life and break this cycle I’m going to have to break these habits. And you know what, I did great on Sunday and Monday went just fine too!
I went for an early morning run with Neal…
Enjoyed Ezekiel bread topped with pecan butter and a banana for breakfast…
Had lunch outside with a friend at noon…
And made a delicious dinner when I got home (recipe coming tomorrow!)…
Fear has stopped me a lot in the past and up until this point I’ve allowed my eating issues to trump all that I know about health, wellness, and fitness. It’s hard to put my foot down, to say no to dieting, and to trust that I will reach my goal of living a happy and healthy life, but you know what… this IS my new reality!
